my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
