My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
