Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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