mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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