The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize