you would pick up someone in the library
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
