I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
