drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
