I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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