i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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