i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
