literally had 100 drinks last night.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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