I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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