Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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