the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
ok first of all what the fuck
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
