Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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