in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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