i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I intend to get homeless drunk
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Man, jail baloney is awful.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
