Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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