I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
