I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
That accounts for only three of the penises
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
