she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
