People with herpes should wear stickers.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
