Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
