Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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