I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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