I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize