What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
