the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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