I showed him my bush... on skype.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
