nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
