I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
