wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
