Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
