My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
