thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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