saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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