why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
