never play flip cup with pint glasses
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Your cock deserves a montage
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
