so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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