I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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