She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
