just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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