Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize