You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize