new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
