32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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