Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
