Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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