so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
