I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
