look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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