I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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