I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
