i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
God, I missed his penis.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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