my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
