I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
A bitchslap is in order.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
