My room smells like vodka and shame
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
