i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
