i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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